Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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