I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
