I can text with my tongue
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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