We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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