i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize