I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
