The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
