I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
