Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
