Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
