what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
