Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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