Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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