new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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