please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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