we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
