Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...