I wish I could teleport
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.