Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.