somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
