tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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