i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
