I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
