Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
