fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
