im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
