worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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