so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
