just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
