First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My liver just had a heart attack.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Send help, water and tortillas.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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