I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish you could order shots online.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
