Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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