I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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