Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
