do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
