I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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