my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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