I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
