Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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