Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How does it feel to date your dad?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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