Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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