I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
