i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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