My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
