New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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