So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
