If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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