He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
