Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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