Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
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Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
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I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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