oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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