Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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