tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
