I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
