I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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