i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
