If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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