Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
